Seinfeld: Newman’s 10 Most Dramatic Monologues, Ranked

Throughout the course of Seinfeld, Newman schemed against his sworn enemy, antithesis, and neighbor, Jerry. Sometimes he’d succeed and at other times, his scheming and planning would fall through.

Newman and Jerry’s exchange of hellos was a tell-tale indicator of their hostility. That being said, there were also times when they weren’t at each other’s throats. Seinfeld is full of extremely iconic Newman moments wherein Newman dazzled the viewers with his fast-paced monologues and dramatic acting. Mailman and poet, Wayne Knight’s Newman is regarded as one of the most indelible characters in sitcom history, and here’s why.

10One Perfect Angel For Whom We Are Put On This Earth

When Kramer fell head-over-heels in love with Jerry’s girlfriend, Pam, he takes refuge in his friend, Newman who used dramatic words to describe the situation at hand.

“And therein lies the tragedy. For I believe, sadly for you, that there is but one woman meant for each of us,” says Newman, trying to goad Kramer into fighting for Pam.

He continues, “One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary, workaday lives. And you, my friend, have found your angel. I can tell. For my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty – whom I fear I will never possess.”

Before things get out of hand, Kramer cuts in and jolts his friend back to reality.

9Gone For The Rest Of Eternity

If it wasn’t for Newman’s helmet, Kramer would have been hurt badly by Joe Davola’s kick in the head. Now Newman isn’t the kind of person who’s discreet with his kindness, and while he understandably needs Kramer as an alibi to contest the speeding ticket, Kramer has a doctor’s appointment scheduled the same day.

“Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me and my helmet. I saved your life. You would be dead. Dead. You would cease to exist. You would be gone for the rest of eternity. You wouldn’t even begin to comprehend what that means,” Newman continues to speak for an exasperating length of time before Kramer gives in and agrees to accompany him.

8Failure To Become A Banker

Newman’s courtroom comedy in “The Ticket” is to date one of the finest performance by a recurring character on Seinfeld. In the said episode, he spins a ridiculous tale as a speeding ticket defense, and unfortunately, his alibi is all out of whack, and unable to recall anything at the stand.

Newman makes a big speech in from the judge, saying, “You see, it’d been his lifelong dream to be a banker, and he uh, just the day before he was turned down by another bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer’s Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank to turn him down so I was-I was a little concerned…”

Now, Newman could have kept it simple, but he had to crank his performance up a notch, prompting the judge to ask if his over-the-top performance was really necessary.

7No More Soup, Jerry

The end of season 7’s “The Soup Nazi” is one of those rare Seinfeld times when Newman and Jerry aren’t at each other’s throats. As is seen, Elaine drives Yev Kassem out of business by threatening to publish his soup recipes, and the 2 neighbors are equally hurt. Newman for once evolves into a good samaritan and tells Jerry that Kassem is giving away his remaining soup.

“Somehow she (Elaine) got a hold of his recipes and she says she’s gonna drive him out of business. The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he’s not gonna make any more soup. He’s moving out of the country, moving to Argentina. No more soup, Jerry. No more soup for any of us,” the soup-lover yells in a state of panic.

6What Kind Of Dog Did You Say It Was?

Season 7 opens with the classic Mailman vs. Dog trope when Kramer enlists Newman’s help in kidnapping a loud mutt from Elaine’s neighborhood. The sanest of the trio, Elaine shows some reluctance, but when Kramer tells her abandoning a helpless animal off was the only solution to her problem, she agrees.

As for postal worker Newman, he goes ballistic and expresses intense dislike for “mutts and mongrels.” And once again, Kramer is forced to end his rant.

5How I’ve Longed For This Moment, Seinfeld

Jerry is suspected of mail fraud in “The Package,” and Newman, who’s in charge of the investigation sees it as a perfect opportunity to nail his nemesis.

During the course of the investigation, Newman rants, saying, “The day when I would have the proof I needed to haul you out of your cushy lair and expose you to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile…”

With no Kramer in sight, a fellow postal service employee calls out Newman’s name and calms him down.

4No Labels, Jerry

At the end of “The Label Maker,” Jerry and Newman are sitting together at the Super Bowl. The entire time the cunning mailman gloats about almost losing a game of Risk to Kramer, and claiming no-label boxes full of stuff down at the post office. Jerry cringes, tries to move away while Newman rambles on about his “great streak of luck,” saying,

“And then, just as I’m about to go, these boxes show up at the post office with no labels. No labels, Jerry. Do you know what that means?  Freebies. I got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it’s unbelievable.”

3When You Control The Mail, You Control… Information

Newman’s greatest dialogue in the entire series is essentially bragging about his immense power by virtue of him being a USPS employee.

In “The Lip Reader,” Newman suspects the new postal service supervisor who works behind a glass of scheming against him. He dashes into Jerry’s apartment to borrow his lip-reader girlfriend for 2 hours. Once again, Jerry refuses and Newman threatens him with dire consequences.

“All right, all right. All right you go ahead. You go ahead and keep it a secret. But you remember this. When you control the mail, you control… information,” he says in his signature sinister tone before exiting Jerry’s.

2When An Evil Wind Will Blow Through Your Little Playworld

In Seinfeld’s finale episode, when Newman learned Jerry and his pals were leaving on a private jet to Paris, he tried everything to tag along with the gang.

Knocking at Jerry’s door, Newman spins a ludicrous story about wanting to attend to a sick Parisian cousin. When Jerry refuses, Newman boils with rage and warns his neighbor of his impending doom. In a frenzy, before exiting, he continues, “And I’ll be there, in all my glory, watching – watching as it all comes crumbling down.”

1Because The Mail Never Stops

In “The Old Man,” when Newman and Kramer asked Jerry if he had any old records lying around for their latest get-rich-quick scheme, George was prompted to ask what Newman did for a living. The second he said he was a mailman, George and Jerry treated him with condescension.

Their behavior gave rise to a strong reaction and Newman felt obligated to defend his challenging work environment saying, “Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there’s never a let-up. It’s relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more. And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the barcode reader breaks and it’s Publisher’s Clearing House day.”

At this point, Kramer stepped in to calm Newman and Jerry gave him a go-ahead to grab whichever record he wanted to.